Friday, March 25, 2011

Paint it Purple Blogfest

The challenge for Erin Kane's fest? To take 100 words and "paint it purple with enough metaphors, similes, and poetry to gag the most die hard beatnik, to run wild, spitting in the face of good taste, genre norms, and Occam's razor."
Oh, I spat alright, and I felt almost physically sick writing something I knew would be bad that people would see. I was happy with the results, though. It sounds silly in parts and I'm going to trim it down a lot, but this exercise was good for me and I'm glad I tried it.
The exerpt is from my WIP Hunger.

Original:

I ran inside and saw Alicia on her knees. Nathan stood above her with a firm grip on her hair. She had her hands on top of his hand, but she didn’t fight. Tears streaked her face.
“What did you do to her?” I demanded.
“Watch this.” Nathan pulled her by her hair to one side and she followed without resisting. He moved her to the other side, up and down and back and forth, like a puppet. “I can do whatever I want to her, and she can’t do anything about it. Do you have any idea how good that feels?”

Purple:

I ran into the back room, tripping over furniture because my vision was clouded with rage like a storm. When I entered I collapsed against the side of the doorway and clutched my chest that felt like it would burst from the running and the fear. I knew what I would see, but I had denied myself from thinking about it like a future-repressed memory, so it still sent shockwaves shooting from my feet up my body.
Nathan stood above Alicia in a triumphant stance like a man with a flag on uncharted land. Alicia cowered on her knees like a dog beaten for disobedience. Nathan’s lip curved in a triumphant sneer. His undiscriminating hate filled him from his core to his edges and I knew what a thrill that hate gave him. He didn’t even know Alicia, but his power over her was like caffeine injected in his veins.
Alicia’s hands were on top of grip to keep him from pulling on her hair. Instead of fighting, she sank with helplessness. Her face was stained with tears like a dripping faucet stains a cement wall. Her eyes pleaded with me like a dying puppy.
The guilt of knowing I let this happen to her twisted my soul into a knot jagged with barbed wire. I had never felt so evil. I was bloated with loathing for Nathan and for myself.
“What did you do to her?” I asked, though I knew just as well as I knew the cruelty in Nathan’s grip, and I didn’t want to hear him say it anymore than I wanted to hear the sure-to-come declaration that I would be damned to hell for this.
Nathan’s sneer rose to a glowing grin like he was holding his newly-born child, a demon as black as himself. I took a step back because I feared what new idea could give him such pleasure and then cursed myself for my cowardice.
“Watch this,” said Nathan. He yanked on Alicia’s hair to make her fall to the side and she fell limp to the side like a rag doll just as he wanted. He pulled her to the other side and then forward and back, like a flesh-and-blood puppet, and he continued to torment her as she continued to cry and beg with her eyes. “Don’t you see?” he asked. His excitement swelled his chest like a pregnant stomach. “I can do whatever I want to her, and she can’t do anything about it. Do you have any idea how good that feels?”

Wow, that's so long. Danget, I wish I had tried this before NaNoWriMo.

5 comments:

  1. This was awesomely simile-ridden :D Great rewrite. hahaha.

    The "dying puppy" part was especially rich. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a delightfully rich re-write! It is a little like eating a triple chocolate lava cake instead of a smooth flan. I like flan better, but a few bites of the chocolate was wonderful fun.
    I will have to check back with you.

    p.s. I loved the photos of the cemetery head stones, along with the perspective you gave, on a personal level. Excellent job.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ...I actually like the purple... It's exciting. I'm not sure how I'd like a whole book written that way, but just a few paragraphs is a good wake-up call. Thanks for sharing.

    (I rewrote this post using your "Words You Think You Need But Don't" article.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. The original had something slightly disturbing about it, the rewrite took it much further. I enjoyed the subtlety of the first more, although I loved the idea of a "future-repressed memory." I've experienced those moments.
    Great entry and thank you for participating.

    ReplyDelete

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